So, I am at a loss. You get to help me think through a situation. Talk about being transparent!
I have a flaw. I am a bit of a control freak. No, really, I just NEED to know everything. I absolutely hate uncertainty. I want to know the game plan. I want to know the purpose of everything and everyone in my life. I KNOW! This isn’t possible, nor is it how God wants me to live. I am tearing this need apart piece by piece these days. So, here comes the fun part…
So, there is this boy. Wait, strike that! There is this man. I have been spending quite a bit of time with him lately. He is a good, Life Church going, follower of Christ.
I love spending time with him in a bunch of ways. He makes me laugh. He is a responsible grown up (this is a new thing to me!). He respects me. He pays attention to what I say and calls just to ask how things are going. He even calls me every Monday to see how my lifegroup went. He remembers my Switch girls and asks about them BY NAME! The first conversation we ever had was about church and the message that weekend. He asks me what I think about things Craig says each time we talk. He knew me way back in the bad old days. I love that I have this inability to shock him or disappoint him. He has already seen me at my worst. I even love the way we crossed paths again (it’s a good story!). That being said…
I hate that he has seen me at my worst. I don’t like that he knows what I used to be. I don’t like having this link back to that life. It creeps me out. I love being comfortable, but I want someone to be wowed by me. I just don’t see how anyone who knew THAT Hope could ever be wowed by me. I knew him way back in the bad old days too. It makes it hard for me to trust him sometimes. It would be so easy to fall back into those old patterns with each other.
People have asked about the situation, and they take my uncertainty as an answer in and of itself. I am not so sure. I am uncertain. I am confused. We are keeping things very first gear, but I don’t know how to do that. I haven’t had right relationships since high school. I have forgotten how this works. I don’t want to fill my time, fill that space just because I am lonely.
On the other hand, I am trying VERY hard to go with the flow and stop trying know every step of the plan. I don’t know. For once, I am trying to rest in the fact that I don’t need to know, but I want to SO BADLY.
SO… Help?! I need some wisdom here!
