Is this need to rebel always a bad thing?  I can think of a few times in my life when I should have been a little more rebellious.  I conformed for so long with what I thought my life should be.  I didn’t really question that expectation.  If I had questioned it, bucked that system, I would have avoided a LOT of heartache for myself, for others, and for God. 

I recently went to a wedding for an friend from college.  I got to see this group of fantastic, really fun girls that I had lived with for 3 years.  We started swapping old stories and laughing at some of those funny dorm moments.  Then it hit me, the girl they remembered isn’t me.  I am not the same.  I used to be a rebel against everything my parents had taught me to love.  Now, I am in rebellion to the lies that I lived under then.  I used to do everything I could to PROVE that I was not a pastor’s daughter.  Now, I am serving and loving MY God and finding myself led to go into ministry myself.  I guess the difference is… I am a rebel with a cause now.

This got me thinking about music and what it says. This week, I am going to write about some unexpected messages I have heard in songs. Check back for more…

I have been so full of pride about the fact that I am “doing” all the right things and not doing all the wrong things I used to do.  While I think that God has done some amazing work on me in the last year, I have gotten this “holier than thou” attitude that is no less disgusting to Him.  The sad thing is that I am so focused on what I do and don’t “do” that I have forgotten what God cares the most about, my heart. 

I am critical of those around me instead of loving them as they are.  See, I have forgotten the most critical thing.  Jesus didn’t love people after they stopped sinning.  He loved them, healed them, and THEN said, “Go and sin no more.”  Who am I to do anything else?

I have this “above this” attitude about my job, people, and things that just need to get done in general.  If Jesus wasn’t above living in the muck and the mire with His disciples, what can I be “above” doing?

So in the interest of reminding myself that I have NO reason to be discontent, here is what I love about MY life:

1.  I have a holy and gracious God who loves me and forgives me.  I am never alone, never.  And He doesn’t just tolerate me and all my flaws, He LOVES me and moves mountains for me.

2.  I have an amazing, loving family that would do(and has done)  the undoable for me.  I have parents that have sacrificed and poured into me. I have sisters who love me and have taught me so many things (don’t tell them I said that!).

3.  I have a church that challenges me and loves me as I am.  It is through them that I have been guided to MY God.  I was quiet the prodigal, but now, I am home!

4.  I have friends that have loved me through the worst life has thrown at me and loved me at my worst.  They were the ones who told me what I was worth to God when I thought I wasn’t worth anything anymore.  They are the ones who would drag me to church in college, even when I was whining about needing to sleep off the night before.

5.  I have a job with a good, stable company.  I am not in danger of losing my job anytime soon and am well taken care of by my boss.  I need to remember what it was like when I lost my job and couldn’t pay my bills and didn’t know where food was going to come from or how I was going to pay for it.  I may not have much, but my bills are paid and I am eating!  That is enough!

6.  I am being given this wonderful time of preparation for the rest of my life.  Someday, I believe God will give me an amazing family of my own, but I am being given this time to prepare and learn the lessons I need BEFORE.  I will only have a better marriage and a better relationship with any babies I may have because of it.  Besides, someday I will have some toddler terrorizing my house and will be looking back at the good old days of tiny apartments and sleeping in on Saturdays!

So, in an attempt to remember how great life is, what makes you love your life?

1.  SAY NO! I am learning that I need to take care of myself.  I cannot do everything.  Honestly, if I am doing everything, then I am selfishly keeping others from getting to be a part of things.

2.  STOP WHINING! I have a fantastic life.  I have a good job, a good family, and a GREAT GOD! What do I have to complain about?  Someday, I may have that family I dream of, but I get to have a great life now.

3.  STOP PROCRASTINATING! I used to make the excuse that I work well under pressure.  Really?  I don’t enjoy being rushed.  I am going to do those things that are before me today, not tomorrow.

4.  TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!  I am going to do the small things: 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day, 30 minutes of activity, all the dairy I should.  I am not going to worry about how I look or what I’m not.  I am just going to be more healthy.

There you go! Now that I have managed to put this off for two weeks, you know what my goals are for 2009!

I forget things all the time.

I forget things right after they happen.

I forget miraculous things.

 I forget all the things that God has done for me, the things He has saved me from so far.

I forget that He died just so He could be with me.

I forget that He has shaped history just so I would be alive right now, right here. 

I forget that (most likely) He created the coffee bean plant just for me!

I forget that He made sure I was born into my family; so, I can live my life having learned from an amazing spiritual legacy.

I forget that during at least 3 different points in my life, God has kept me alive when the situation could have easily killed me.

See, I must have amnesia if I am able forget all these things God has done. 

And I must be able to forget because I keep worrying about my future. 

So, what do you need to remember?

“If you knew this Wednesday was the last time you had with the students at Switch, what would you do?  Would you do something differently?”

It made me think.  What are my priorities?  Am I more concerned about comfort than leading?  Do I care more about them liking me than I do about sharing the truth?  I don’t think I like the answers.

The truth is, I tiptoe around things too often.  I often get so worried about my relationship with students that I don’t want to offend them.  The problem is, the truth is offensive.  Christ offended.  He loved wholly, but he did offend.  In fact, our very faith is offensive.  We worship a God that came to earth to be condemned and executed as a criminal.  That isn’t easy to swallow. 

Truth offends.  It hurts because it has a way of cutting into all of those dark spots where deception and sin lurk.  It hurts to hear that you are wrong, even when you already know.  The truth offends but it also sets free.  It is my duty (and my blessing) to show these students the way to their freedom in Christ.  For them to be free, they must be told the truth.  

Oh, and go see Patrick’s thoughts here.

So, what is your focus?  What would you do?

I have a flaw.  I am a bit of a control freak.  No, really, I just NEED to know everything.  I absolutely hate uncertainty.  I want to know the game plan.  I want to know the purpose of everything and everyone in my life.  I KNOW! This isn’t possible, nor is it how God wants me to live.  I am tearing this need apart piece by piece these days.  So, here comes the fun part…

So, there is this boy.  Wait, strike that! There is this man.  I have been spending quite a bit of time with him lately.  He is a good, Life Church going, follower of Christ. 

I love spending time with him in a bunch of ways.  He makes me laugh.  He is a responsible grown up (this is a new thing to me!).  He respects me.  He pays attention to what I say and calls just to ask how things are going.  He even calls me every Monday to see how my lifegroup went.  He remembers my Switch girls and asks about them BY NAME! The first conversation we ever had was about church and the message that weekend.  He asks me what I think about things Craig says each time we talk.  He knew me way back in the bad old days.  I love that I have this inability to shock him or disappoint him.  He has already seen me at my worst.  I even love the way we crossed paths again (it’s a good story!).  That being said…

I hate that he has seen me at my worst.  I don’t like that he knows what I used to be.  I don’t like having this link back to that life.  It creeps me out.  I love being comfortable, but I want someone to be wowed by me.  I just don’t see how anyone who knew THAT Hope could ever be wowed by me.  I knew him way back in the bad old days too.  It makes it hard for me to trust him sometimes.  It would be so easy to fall back into those old patterns with each other. 

People have asked about the situation, and they take my uncertainty as an answer in and of itself.  I am not so sure.  I am uncertain.  I am confused.  We are keeping things very first gear, but I don’t know how to do that.  I haven’t had right relationships since high school.  I have forgotten how this works.  I don’t want to fill my time, fill that space just because I am lonely.

On the other hand, I am trying VERY hard to go with the flow and stop trying know every step of the plan.  I don’t know. For once, I am trying to rest in the fact that I don’t need to know, but I want to SO BADLY.

SO… Help?!  I need some wisdom here!

I know, it isn’t very Christ-like, but neither is pestering your pastor.  When my dad pastored a church near St. Louis, there was this one family that FOREVER bothered my dad about one thing or another.  I mean, they told my dad that I shouldn’t be able to wear shorts (that were almost knee-length) because it was immodest.  My dad told them that I was 5 years old, and he was pretty sure my calf was not immodest.  But they were constantly harping on weird little things.  They caused arguments and problems in the church more times than I can count.  They criticized my father any chance they got.  I know you don’t think little kids notice, but I guarantee that your pastor’s kid knows exactly what people support their dad and what people don’t.

Well, their youngest son was in my kindergarten class.  I MAY have beat him up at recess on a regular basis. 

Hey, you don’t mess with my dad.

I was not created solely to be an example of godly living for your bird-brain kid.

First things first, just because my father was called to be a pastor does not mean that I am some weird spiritual  prodigy.  I was a normal kid.  I didn’t even like some of your weird kids that I had to be nice to every week.  I was not a very sweet child; so, my poor mother was constantly being berated with the fact that I was mean to some kid.  She had to listen to this bizarre idea that I was somehow NOT the same as every other kid many times.  She would glare at me across the room as she calmed some mom down and told her that I would be “dealt with” immediately.  Then, she would hang up the phone and have a conversation that sounded something like this:

“Hope, why is it so hard for you to just be sweet to other kids?”

“Mom, they’re stupid! They keep asking the teacher dumb questions.  Why can’t…”

Then she would shake her head and walk out of the room. 

My dad, however, would look people in the face and tell them that he was the pastor, not his 5 year old.  I LOVED getting to see this side of my dad.  He had my back.  And he taught me very early on that I was not defined by what he did.  He never allowed people to treat me differently.  Now, he would tell me to be nice and teach me all those lessons that parents should, but he refused to have me held to some special standard.

Even now when I deal with kids at church, I remember this.  I don’t expect any kids from “those families” to be anything but their age.  By the way, I also know that any crazy scheme that the pastor’s kid gets caught in the middle of doing, the deacon’s kid is TOTALLY behind it.

I got to have one of those this weekend WITH GOD! How cool! I mean, I had an hours long, curled up on my couch with a cup of coffee and a blanket talk with the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.  Life is amazing!

It all started on Thursday here.  That night, I marked up First John like it has never been marked.  I couldn’t stop (in the best possible sense!).  I spent ALL day at work thinking about getting home to read it again.  I don’t think I have ever DESIRED to read scripture like this.  When I came home Friday night, I read more.  It was great, but then…

I woke up at 8 am Saturday.  I made coffee, grabbed a muffin, and began my chat.  I started in First John again (I know!).  Then, because I am trying to learn to be quiet for once, I began to chase rabbits throughout scripture bouncing from one verse to the next about mouths, lips, talk, words.  I stopped at lunch and fixed something to eat.  The whole time I carried on some rambling talk with God.  I then refocused back on First John.  The conversation did not end until I got ready for church after 3 pm.  Really?  THE MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH HUNG OUT WITH ME ALL DAY! How cool is that? 

It isn’t done… there is NO WAY that I am going to end this conversation.  If you are lucky, I just might share some of the amazing things He had to say to me!

How do you talk to God?  How do you hear Him talk to you?